June 16, 2020
I listened to a man yesterday that described how he had been dealing with the loss of his wife. He said he found a dress she wore and every time that she had worn it came rushing back to him in an instant. He hugged that dress and cried. I have felt this way over stupid shit. the last time i saw you wear those damn pj pants or leggings or a specific shirt. I have made bears for the kids and one for me and one for dad. It sits on a shelf like a memorial for fear of hugging it and loosing that "lucyness". I feel so ignorant or stupid for that but i just don't know what to do. I miss you with all my being. I love you. This. is. the. hardest. thing. ever.
May 9, 2020
The world is in a pandemic. It is chaotic and sad. We are restricted to our homes and jobs. So much has changed since you left us. Your kids are home schooled and thriving, growing into real human beings with real thoughts and dreams. Your daughter got accepted into nursing assistant through Tech school. She has straight A's and is the perfect big sister. Your son is a handsome little maniac who loves his family. He has your looks and attitude. He is goofy and fiercely in love with video games.
I sat tonight looking at your videos. I needed to hear your voice. my heart is torn into so many pieces and it falls apart every time i think its whole again. Dad and I are doing well and i should be over the moon but i wanted to show you our new house and my new car. I wanted to take you for a ride. I want to share the wedding plans for Tasha and see you get jealous over Sami's new truck. I wanted to hear about you and Nikki hanging out and you doing the girls hair. You should be here with us. You should be the one doing Tasha's hair, hell all the girls hair for the wedding. You should be here tomorrow to celebrate mother's day. I can't handle this pain. It hurts like nothing ever has and ever will. I saw a bouquet today. i looked up and the first flower i see is a stupid pink stargazer lily staring at me. coincidence? maybe. but i'd like to think of it as you telling me happy mother's day. i miss you like mad. i love you and never will ever stop loving you. until i see you again babygirl. momma loves you
January 13, 2020
It was a very rough week last week but I survived. I dove headlong into work and schooling to keep my mind busy. I'm not so lost in my head today. Which is good. So lets see what this week brings. I still love you Lucy and miss you like crazy.
Jan 2, 2020
It seems you are on the mind of a lot of people lately, not just mine. You are there on mine every single day and today the tears won't quit. it sucks. trying to work with you on my mind and trying to smile when someone walks up while having a lump in my throat. I want to scream this didn't happen. i want to wake up from this nightmare. this isn't fair. it isn't fair at all. i got to put on my game face and pretend i'm ok. i'm not. i'm not ok at all.
December 24, 2019
Christmas eve means much to our family. Its the last time we saw our Lucy alive. She was happy and little did we know, very sick. In 2 weeks we will mourn her for 3 very long years. at this stage we don't know if we could have saved her. We had no clue how very sick she was. We just knew she couldn't eat. She didn't smell like alcohol and she didnt act sick. She was playful with her kids. the best damn actress i've ever seen. She smiled, she laughed, she lived. I miss her dearly.
December 7, 2019
Its nearly a year since i last wrote here. I've tried to do better. I try to live life like nothing happened. Except, it did. my heart continues breaking while my head continues to scream at me what a lousy mother i was to you. I should have saved you. I should have taken you in and made you get sober. I should have made you be the mom you were supposed to be to your children. but i couldn't. you had your own way of doing things. I put a tree and wreath on your grave last night. I don't visit that spot often at all anymore. you aren't there. your ashes are. but you are not. you are in my broken heart. the one that breaks every time your name crosses my mind. i miss you so much. your sisters and dad miss you terribly too. holidays are not the same anymore. you would have loved the house dad bought us. you would have come in and told us what should go where and it would just be "your opinion" because thats the way you were. my mind is chaos and every now and then i stop and think why am i here. i should be gone and lucy should be here. you made me promise not to leave then you left. i'm so fucking angry at you for that. we didnt get to say goodbye. we didnt get to tell you we loved you. and soon it will be 3 miserable years since you died Lucy and its not fair. not fair one bit. i love you.
January 3, 2019,
In just a few short days it will be 2 years since you left us. I don't know if its because i'm tired and over worked but you are constantly on my mind and i'm always on the verge of tears. you were and are a huge part of my life whether you knew it or not. i just wish i would have listened to Steph and demanded you into rehab. Maybe we would be celebrating you being sober instead of mourning you every single day. i beat myself up constantly and i'm finding myself doing something odd lately. I try to picture what your last days were like, you last hours, you last minutes and wonder what you were thinking when you were leaving us and this world. Were you scared? were you angry at us? were you sad to leave us? did you feel pain? did you call out for anyone? Goddess i'm killing myself over this every single day but i can't help it. Im your mom. I worry how you left us. i miss you so damn much that i can't put it into words. this feeling is horrible. i feel like you were ripped from inside my chest, ripped apart and scattered around and i'm constantly trying to gather the pieces to put back together but the wind is strong and keeps blowing everything just out of my reach. I can see them, but i will never get them all back. I feel like a giant empty cave that someone could yell into and the echo will constantly ring inside of me saying "she's gone, you fucked that one up". I feel like i failed you my dear daughter, in so many ways. i love you with my whole heart as i do your sisters and the grandbabies. I will never get that part of my heart back as it blows just out of reach.
December 29,2018,
I'm still here. I still cry. I still miss you like mad. Aunt Paula said you came to her in a dream last night and sang to her a song called Sober by demi levito. i listened to it and read the words. i broke down in tears. its so easy lately. i can't believe its been nearly 2 years. 2 very long years yet it seems like only moments ago i got a snapchat from you. I'm so sorry for the arguments we had. I'm sorry for anything i said that made you mad. I tried so hard yet not hard enough to save you and i failed. i wish i had listened to steph and signed you into rehab. maybe you would hate me but maybe you would be alive right now and i wouldn't have to talk to you on the fucking computer in a fucking blog.
your sisters get angry with me. they seem to think i shouldn't still be grieving. they don't understand how i could hurt so much when i still have the three of them and all the grandkids. I can't explain the lose i feel to anyone. i feel like it happens over and over again. i relive it daily and the thoughts run wild. I keep thinking were you in pain? were you alone? did you call for your mom? why wasn't i there? I was with nikki when i found out. i was coming to see you just afterwards but it was too late. I remember working so hard on that damn mermaid tail blanket that you suggested i make. and i remember thinking i couldn't make one without all of your sisters getting one too. i dont' think i can make another present so i think i tried too hard this year making sure everyone had nice gifts. Christmas was just another day for me. I did get to see the grandkids the night before. I still have to give Lenny his presents. He misses you a lot too. You were a light in his world. in everyone's world. Nothing is the same anymore. Nothing. You would be proud of me. This year i bought myself a car. Got personalized tags too. "Witchy" they say. i had to do something for my 50th since you were not here to throw me that big party you promised me. i'm not angry though. well maybe a little. i'm angry you left us behind. i'm angry i didnt get through to you. i'm angry you gave in to the alcohol and i'm angry you were with Eric. Every time i see him or hear of him the anger just boils because i know what he did. i know how he kept you drunk. i know it all from bits i have gotten from everyone and stuff that was in your phone. i have your phone. i have your pictures. i have your clothes. i have it all. because getting rid of the stuff, i feel, like im getting rid of you. you aren't stuff. you were my baby. you saved me years ago. and i failed because i couldn't save you. i miss you angel. love, momma
December 24, 2018
Today. Two years ago. I hugged you and said goodbye not knowing it would be the very last time to hold you in my arms. i would have held you longer, i would have told you a million times i love you. i miss you baby girl.
December 20, 2018
I spent the evening with your beautiful children last night. They have an adorable new sister and she actually let me put her to sleep and then woke up smiling and giggling at me. i know. its because i'm funny looking and you would giggle at me too. i can hear you say that. The kids put together a gingerbread house and ate more of the candy then decorated with it. we had laughs and candy and lots of love and hugs. I gave eman his birthday present (OMG he is 9!)and got so many appreciative hugs from him. He loves his pokemon. hahaha. he has a geek for a gramma. i know. but its something i can do with him and he really enjoys it. I feel disconnected with K at times because shes getting older. She looks a lot like her dad. Eman looks like you. a lot. he has that same goofy smile. tall and thin like you. i love them both so much. i see you in them. i think of you so often. i love you and miss you angel.
December 18, 2018
I've been crying again and I simply want to vomit. My stomach is in knots. i have no christmas spirit. no yule tidings. no holiday joy. its hitting me hard this year. 2 years. 2 freaking years. i can't stand it. i miss you so damn much. i try hard to keep functioning. I get out of bed, get dressed, go to work, go home, go to bed, repeat. i'm angry and disgusted. i can't take this crap anymore. life is unfair. i feel like everyone has lost their ever loving minds and i'm caught up in it.
December 13, 2018
Its starting to hit me. Its getting closer and I cant stop it. The anniversary of the last time i saw you. the anniversary of when you took your last breath. Your "angel-versary" some say. All I know is you are not here, with me, with the family, with your kids. and It hurts like when if first happened. The raw pain and anger. The physical pain of you leaving us. Still so new. And yet its been 2 years. 2 very long and harrowing years. Pain every single day because your absence is felt. Your kids are growing and you aren't here raising them. Don't get me wrong, Steph is doing a tremendously wonderful job with them and the new wee one. She feels the pain too knowing you aren't here to meet the kids new lil sister. We are angry with you, we are pissed at you, we miss you.
December 10, 2018
It snowed last night. Its beautiful and i wish you were here to throw a snowball at. I remember living in Chaptico and we would all get bundled up and go play in the snow and go sleigh riding, then come inside and have hot chocolate and sit around in our jammies and blankets. fun times.
I've been wrapping presents and going down the list. I ordered the girls things alike and when they came in i was surprised it was only 3 items instead of 4 and i realized, i didn't buy you one. my heart dropped. I stopped for a moment and cried. then i got up and did what i have to do without another thought. That's how i do things now. I don't think about it. I just do it. If i think i get lost in that thought and then it goes down hill from there. Forgive me Lucy but i can't think of your absence right now. Know its definitely felt. its definitely noticed, but i can't think about it. I get a lump in my throat as i fight back tears writing this because i feel like i'm betraying your memory but in order to keep going i can't think. i'm on autopilot. Have to get through the holidays.
December 4th, 2018
The holidays are here and I feel like screaming. I feel like ripping someones throat out. I'm angry lately. I cant stand anything. I want silence, yet i hate the silence because i think too much. I want to be around people yet i feel like i cant stand them. Maybe I've been too busy. Maybe i just need to go silent for a few days. Danny goes away on Saturday. Monday and Tuesday evening i may just go silent. leave online for a lil vacation and just veg out and relax. I really don't know how.
December 2, 2018
Holiday season. The rushing around. the stress. the parties, the birthdays. wait. what? yes I have two grand babies birthdays I celebrate this month. One was Eric, He turned 4 at the end of November so we celebrated that yesterday. Another is Lucy's son in mid December. She came home from the hospital with him just in time for a blizzard. we were snowed in for a couple of days. Time for us to get to bond with him, take pictures of him, time for his sister to get used to her little brother and fall completely in love with him. She's a teen now and still loves her little brother with all her heart. I call her little momma. She took on that role a while a go, back before.
(I wont go into that here. I don't want to offend her should she ever read this)
My daughters. my children, they were the ones to complain i never spend time with them.... when I got upset they didn't show up for Thanksgiving... um huh????
I'm totally confused by that. It got out of hand. Now we aren't talking much. being cordial. I guess. It breaks my heart because that's something i worry about after losing Lucy is what if my last words to them are arguments? hateful words between us that can't be undone should one of us be gone tomorrow. I don't feel i did anything wrong by asking them to come to the house and getting mad when they went shopping then went out drinking afterwards instead of visiting the family. They don't see anything wrong with not showing up. But i was the one called selfish. If anything i'm selfish for wanting more time with them, more memories with them. Life is so busy all the time and i simply wanted to hold on to tradition one more holiday. Instead, i decorated my tree by myself. I decorated the house by myself, I missed 3 very important hand prints on the tablecloth we made for Christmas and i have no clue when or if i ever will get them. so excuse me for being selfish and wanting to be with them for the holidays so we can try to be a normal family because holidays have always been important to my family. and this time of year I feel extremely lonely. and yes I miss Lucy but her absence is more present when the sisters don't visit.
November 29, 2018
I'm not sure how to start this one. I've recently been accused of being selfish and not thinking of my other children and not working through my grief. They don't know i'm going to counseling because I've been silent until now. So from now on, i will be putting my smile on, pretending all is well inside my head and not show outward signs of Grief. I've taken myself out of the fb groups for grieving parents and refuse to post anymore about my pain, save for today.
I will say this, until you have lost a child, destroyed the natural order of things, you just don't know the pain a parent goes through when they grieve. Its a pain i hope you never have to go through. It cuts so deep inside you think you have had a mixer turn on in full speed in a hurricane INSIDE your heart and your mind. It shatters all reality then puts it back together with dollar store duct tape so when the slightest breeze blows, it rips loose and shatters again. Just when you think all is going well and you can do this and you aren't missing them like it was yesterday, a song comes on. A tv show comes on. A memory pops up on fb, to remind you they aren't here to share it with you. You can't just pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Your children are not supposed to go before you. you aren't supposed to have to bury your children, no matter their age. its like a cruel joke life hands you... here, have this adorable child to love with all your being, let them grow up, raise children of their own, nope you're done, and takes that adorable child back.
Your life becomes an amusement park ride you never ever wanted to get on and you cant get off. this is your new life. this is now how it will be. its that curve ball that life hit that went around the building,up a drain pipe, across the roof and into another country then hits you right in the forehead and knocks you flat on your back and takes the wind from your chest.
All the metaphors in the world cant truly describe what you are feeling and you become so frustrated you simply... cry.
then you get called selfish because they say you won't let it go. i let it go when she grew up and had a baby. i let it go when she graduated. i let her go when she moved out of the house onto her own. i let go. and i feel like a failure 110% of the time. Then to have your other children not understand that and say you don't spend enough time with them... well that's the icing on the cake and so here you sit. a total failure as a mother and they expect you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and pretend all is right and well with the world. today is not that day. maybe tomorrow.Posted by Laura Adams.
Searching...November 10, 2018
I've been up searching for you all night. I searched Australia. I searched Greece, I searched California. I searched Kaidyn's school. I looked everywhere. You weren't there. You just were not there. Posted by Laura Adams.
November 1 2018
Another Halloween has come and gone. another holiday under my belt with out you. its not the same. seems like you were the glue that held us together. It was not me at all. or if it was I've lost my way. Kaidyn got her braces off yesterday. did you see that smile all the way in heaven? your son turns 9 next month. another birthday without mom. i cant stop crying. Kaidyn is so over protective of Bailey boo. you should see how good both kids are with her. you should be here. you should be making baby sounds at Mike and Steph's beautiful miracle. you should be fussin with kaidyn over who gets to hold the baby next. Thanksgiving is next and yet another holiday with out you. you wouldn't believe this crazy weather. it was 70 yesterday. i don't know why i write this. maybe it will make me feel better. i just don't know anymore. i miss you more and more every day. i'm supposed to be learning to cope with this... but how? how???Posted by Laura Adams.
Pretend...October 10, 2018
I've become the queen of playing pretend I pretend I'm okay I I pretend my heart doesn't break I pretend there's a big giant hole in my life and I pretend you're still here and pretend you're in Alabama and I pretend everything is okay but but it's not I'm not okay you're not in Alabama there's a huge hole in my heart and you really gone I miss you so much I miss you more everyday why can't you put the bottle down why why why why why did everything revolves around that stupid bottle I miss you so much.Posted by Laura Adams.
Another milestone...September 14, 2018
We'll, your sisters and I are getting matching tattoos. Something we always said we would do but never got the chance. We are getting lil baby elephants because an elephant never forgets and we never forget family. Natasha has been diagnosed with cancer and I feel like I will lose another child, something I can't handle. They say God never gives you more than you can handle. By that logic, I'm superwoman, wonder woman and iron Man well because I am. Posted by Laura Adams.
9/8/18 saturdaySeptember 8, 2018
Every passing day i see signs of you. you pop up on fb, someone will mention something that reminds me of you. I should be used to it by now shouldn't i? but i'm not. i miss you every single day. i think of you off and on all day. when i text the girls to say good morning i want to text you. i miss your snap chats and making you coffee. i miss the good times and the bad times. because they were times we spent together. the tears never seem to stop. they are always right at the edge of my eyes and the tugging is always there on my heart. the Goddess has not taken the pain i feel. i don't want her to. you were always a part of my life. you always will be. I sit at work and look at pictures and think, Lucy would like that as a tattoo. Your sisters and i are getting a tattoo of a baby elephant because an elephant never forgets and you never forget family. i wish you were here so you could get one too. dad misses you too. he taught you to ride a bike for crying out loud.
Lucy why did you go? i miss you horribly. your family misses you. your kids miss you. your friends miss you.
this is killing me. Posted by Laura Adams.
today is a good day...so farAugust 2, 2018
i looked at your pictures today and updated the site a bit. I will have more pix soon when i go through our storage unit. i laughed at the silly pix of you throwing your tantrum because Keileigh wouldn't eat your ice cream. there was no shame in you doing that. you were having fun. smiling and laughing. living. i miss you.Posted by Laura Adams.
signsJuly 17, 2018
Every day there are new signs you see and hear us yet i still feel empty. I miss you like no other. You were one of my closest friends. there just are no words. i love you and i miss you.Posted by Laura Adams.
days drag and yet fly by...July 9, 2018
i cant count how many times i've thought it was yesterday i spoke to you. i cant count how many times i've picked up the phone to text you or call you. i cant count the number of times i've woke up searching for you, crying because reality hits me in the face like a brick. i keep waiting for you to post your daily picture of how you look. i keep waiting for snapchat to light up with a good morning momma. you're gone. really gone. and i miss you more than anything. people say you have other kids and grandkids, you have to be strong and i try around them. but more times then not, i leave them and cry because i want to tell you how things went, family dinners, parties, new news. i simply cry. and i visit you as often as i can. yes i have some of your ashes at home. yes i have them in a couple of necklaces. but its not the same. i cant hug you, or smell you, or teas you about your hair. Goddess you would be furious with me knowing i have a lock of your hair.i can hear you chastizing me. "MOM thats MY HAIR!!"
i miss you. that is all. i miss you.Posted by Laura Adams.
I miss youJuly 3, 2018
A year and 5 months. I can barely breathe. I miss you. They say I shouldn't be so distraught. I should think of the kids and grandkids. It's like looking at your body parts and trying to decide which one you can do without. They are all important. Just because one is missing doesn't mean I care less about the others. There's a hole in our family. That goofy girl that lit up a room when she walked in. Babygirl, aunt Lucy, sissy. We all miss you. Posted by Laura Adams.
I listened to a man yesterday that described how he had been dealing with the loss of his wife. He said he found a dress she wore and every time that she had worn it came rushing back to him in an instant. He hugged that dress and cried. I have felt this way over stupid shit. the last time i saw you wear those damn pj pants or leggings or a specific shirt. I have made bears for the kids and one for me and one for dad. It sits on a shelf like a memorial for fear of hugging it and loosing that "lucyness". I feel so ignorant or stupid for that but i just don't know what to do. I miss you with all my being. I love you. This. is. the. hardest. thing. ever.
May 9, 2020
The world is in a pandemic. It is chaotic and sad. We are restricted to our homes and jobs. So much has changed since you left us. Your kids are home schooled and thriving, growing into real human beings with real thoughts and dreams. Your daughter got accepted into nursing assistant through Tech school. She has straight A's and is the perfect big sister. Your son is a handsome little maniac who loves his family. He has your looks and attitude. He is goofy and fiercely in love with video games.
I sat tonight looking at your videos. I needed to hear your voice. my heart is torn into so many pieces and it falls apart every time i think its whole again. Dad and I are doing well and i should be over the moon but i wanted to show you our new house and my new car. I wanted to take you for a ride. I want to share the wedding plans for Tasha and see you get jealous over Sami's new truck. I wanted to hear about you and Nikki hanging out and you doing the girls hair. You should be here with us. You should be the one doing Tasha's hair, hell all the girls hair for the wedding. You should be here tomorrow to celebrate mother's day. I can't handle this pain. It hurts like nothing ever has and ever will. I saw a bouquet today. i looked up and the first flower i see is a stupid pink stargazer lily staring at me. coincidence? maybe. but i'd like to think of it as you telling me happy mother's day. i miss you like mad. i love you and never will ever stop loving you. until i see you again babygirl. momma loves you
January 13, 2020
It was a very rough week last week but I survived. I dove headlong into work and schooling to keep my mind busy. I'm not so lost in my head today. Which is good. So lets see what this week brings. I still love you Lucy and miss you like crazy.
Jan 2, 2020
It seems you are on the mind of a lot of people lately, not just mine. You are there on mine every single day and today the tears won't quit. it sucks. trying to work with you on my mind and trying to smile when someone walks up while having a lump in my throat. I want to scream this didn't happen. i want to wake up from this nightmare. this isn't fair. it isn't fair at all. i got to put on my game face and pretend i'm ok. i'm not. i'm not ok at all.
December 24, 2019
Christmas eve means much to our family. Its the last time we saw our Lucy alive. She was happy and little did we know, very sick. In 2 weeks we will mourn her for 3 very long years. at this stage we don't know if we could have saved her. We had no clue how very sick she was. We just knew she couldn't eat. She didn't smell like alcohol and she didnt act sick. She was playful with her kids. the best damn actress i've ever seen. She smiled, she laughed, she lived. I miss her dearly.
December 7, 2019
Its nearly a year since i last wrote here. I've tried to do better. I try to live life like nothing happened. Except, it did. my heart continues breaking while my head continues to scream at me what a lousy mother i was to you. I should have saved you. I should have taken you in and made you get sober. I should have made you be the mom you were supposed to be to your children. but i couldn't. you had your own way of doing things. I put a tree and wreath on your grave last night. I don't visit that spot often at all anymore. you aren't there. your ashes are. but you are not. you are in my broken heart. the one that breaks every time your name crosses my mind. i miss you so much. your sisters and dad miss you terribly too. holidays are not the same anymore. you would have loved the house dad bought us. you would have come in and told us what should go where and it would just be "your opinion" because thats the way you were. my mind is chaos and every now and then i stop and think why am i here. i should be gone and lucy should be here. you made me promise not to leave then you left. i'm so fucking angry at you for that. we didnt get to say goodbye. we didnt get to tell you we loved you. and soon it will be 3 miserable years since you died Lucy and its not fair. not fair one bit. i love you.
January 3, 2019,
In just a few short days it will be 2 years since you left us. I don't know if its because i'm tired and over worked but you are constantly on my mind and i'm always on the verge of tears. you were and are a huge part of my life whether you knew it or not. i just wish i would have listened to Steph and demanded you into rehab. Maybe we would be celebrating you being sober instead of mourning you every single day. i beat myself up constantly and i'm finding myself doing something odd lately. I try to picture what your last days were like, you last hours, you last minutes and wonder what you were thinking when you were leaving us and this world. Were you scared? were you angry at us? were you sad to leave us? did you feel pain? did you call out for anyone? Goddess i'm killing myself over this every single day but i can't help it. Im your mom. I worry how you left us. i miss you so damn much that i can't put it into words. this feeling is horrible. i feel like you were ripped from inside my chest, ripped apart and scattered around and i'm constantly trying to gather the pieces to put back together but the wind is strong and keeps blowing everything just out of my reach. I can see them, but i will never get them all back. I feel like a giant empty cave that someone could yell into and the echo will constantly ring inside of me saying "she's gone, you fucked that one up". I feel like i failed you my dear daughter, in so many ways. i love you with my whole heart as i do your sisters and the grandbabies. I will never get that part of my heart back as it blows just out of reach.
December 29,2018,
I'm still here. I still cry. I still miss you like mad. Aunt Paula said you came to her in a dream last night and sang to her a song called Sober by demi levito. i listened to it and read the words. i broke down in tears. its so easy lately. i can't believe its been nearly 2 years. 2 very long years yet it seems like only moments ago i got a snapchat from you. I'm so sorry for the arguments we had. I'm sorry for anything i said that made you mad. I tried so hard yet not hard enough to save you and i failed. i wish i had listened to steph and signed you into rehab. maybe you would hate me but maybe you would be alive right now and i wouldn't have to talk to you on the fucking computer in a fucking blog.
your sisters get angry with me. they seem to think i shouldn't still be grieving. they don't understand how i could hurt so much when i still have the three of them and all the grandkids. I can't explain the lose i feel to anyone. i feel like it happens over and over again. i relive it daily and the thoughts run wild. I keep thinking were you in pain? were you alone? did you call for your mom? why wasn't i there? I was with nikki when i found out. i was coming to see you just afterwards but it was too late. I remember working so hard on that damn mermaid tail blanket that you suggested i make. and i remember thinking i couldn't make one without all of your sisters getting one too. i dont' think i can make another present so i think i tried too hard this year making sure everyone had nice gifts. Christmas was just another day for me. I did get to see the grandkids the night before. I still have to give Lenny his presents. He misses you a lot too. You were a light in his world. in everyone's world. Nothing is the same anymore. Nothing. You would be proud of me. This year i bought myself a car. Got personalized tags too. "Witchy" they say. i had to do something for my 50th since you were not here to throw me that big party you promised me. i'm not angry though. well maybe a little. i'm angry you left us behind. i'm angry i didnt get through to you. i'm angry you gave in to the alcohol and i'm angry you were with Eric. Every time i see him or hear of him the anger just boils because i know what he did. i know how he kept you drunk. i know it all from bits i have gotten from everyone and stuff that was in your phone. i have your phone. i have your pictures. i have your clothes. i have it all. because getting rid of the stuff, i feel, like im getting rid of you. you aren't stuff. you were my baby. you saved me years ago. and i failed because i couldn't save you. i miss you angel. love, momma
December 24, 2018
Today. Two years ago. I hugged you and said goodbye not knowing it would be the very last time to hold you in my arms. i would have held you longer, i would have told you a million times i love you. i miss you baby girl.
December 20, 2018
I spent the evening with your beautiful children last night. They have an adorable new sister and she actually let me put her to sleep and then woke up smiling and giggling at me. i know. its because i'm funny looking and you would giggle at me too. i can hear you say that. The kids put together a gingerbread house and ate more of the candy then decorated with it. we had laughs and candy and lots of love and hugs. I gave eman his birthday present (OMG he is 9!)and got so many appreciative hugs from him. He loves his pokemon. hahaha. he has a geek for a gramma. i know. but its something i can do with him and he really enjoys it. I feel disconnected with K at times because shes getting older. She looks a lot like her dad. Eman looks like you. a lot. he has that same goofy smile. tall and thin like you. i love them both so much. i see you in them. i think of you so often. i love you and miss you angel.
December 18, 2018
I've been crying again and I simply want to vomit. My stomach is in knots. i have no christmas spirit. no yule tidings. no holiday joy. its hitting me hard this year. 2 years. 2 freaking years. i can't stand it. i miss you so damn much. i try hard to keep functioning. I get out of bed, get dressed, go to work, go home, go to bed, repeat. i'm angry and disgusted. i can't take this crap anymore. life is unfair. i feel like everyone has lost their ever loving minds and i'm caught up in it.
December 13, 2018
Its starting to hit me. Its getting closer and I cant stop it. The anniversary of the last time i saw you. the anniversary of when you took your last breath. Your "angel-versary" some say. All I know is you are not here, with me, with the family, with your kids. and It hurts like when if first happened. The raw pain and anger. The physical pain of you leaving us. Still so new. And yet its been 2 years. 2 very long and harrowing years. Pain every single day because your absence is felt. Your kids are growing and you aren't here raising them. Don't get me wrong, Steph is doing a tremendously wonderful job with them and the new wee one. She feels the pain too knowing you aren't here to meet the kids new lil sister. We are angry with you, we are pissed at you, we miss you.
December 10, 2018
It snowed last night. Its beautiful and i wish you were here to throw a snowball at. I remember living in Chaptico and we would all get bundled up and go play in the snow and go sleigh riding, then come inside and have hot chocolate and sit around in our jammies and blankets. fun times.
I've been wrapping presents and going down the list. I ordered the girls things alike and when they came in i was surprised it was only 3 items instead of 4 and i realized, i didn't buy you one. my heart dropped. I stopped for a moment and cried. then i got up and did what i have to do without another thought. That's how i do things now. I don't think about it. I just do it. If i think i get lost in that thought and then it goes down hill from there. Forgive me Lucy but i can't think of your absence right now. Know its definitely felt. its definitely noticed, but i can't think about it. I get a lump in my throat as i fight back tears writing this because i feel like i'm betraying your memory but in order to keep going i can't think. i'm on autopilot. Have to get through the holidays.
December 4th, 2018
The holidays are here and I feel like screaming. I feel like ripping someones throat out. I'm angry lately. I cant stand anything. I want silence, yet i hate the silence because i think too much. I want to be around people yet i feel like i cant stand them. Maybe I've been too busy. Maybe i just need to go silent for a few days. Danny goes away on Saturday. Monday and Tuesday evening i may just go silent. leave online for a lil vacation and just veg out and relax. I really don't know how.
December 2, 2018
Holiday season. The rushing around. the stress. the parties, the birthdays. wait. what? yes I have two grand babies birthdays I celebrate this month. One was Eric, He turned 4 at the end of November so we celebrated that yesterday. Another is Lucy's son in mid December. She came home from the hospital with him just in time for a blizzard. we were snowed in for a couple of days. Time for us to get to bond with him, take pictures of him, time for his sister to get used to her little brother and fall completely in love with him. She's a teen now and still loves her little brother with all her heart. I call her little momma. She took on that role a while a go, back before.
(I wont go into that here. I don't want to offend her should she ever read this)
My daughters. my children, they were the ones to complain i never spend time with them.... when I got upset they didn't show up for Thanksgiving... um huh????
I'm totally confused by that. It got out of hand. Now we aren't talking much. being cordial. I guess. It breaks my heart because that's something i worry about after losing Lucy is what if my last words to them are arguments? hateful words between us that can't be undone should one of us be gone tomorrow. I don't feel i did anything wrong by asking them to come to the house and getting mad when they went shopping then went out drinking afterwards instead of visiting the family. They don't see anything wrong with not showing up. But i was the one called selfish. If anything i'm selfish for wanting more time with them, more memories with them. Life is so busy all the time and i simply wanted to hold on to tradition one more holiday. Instead, i decorated my tree by myself. I decorated the house by myself, I missed 3 very important hand prints on the tablecloth we made for Christmas and i have no clue when or if i ever will get them. so excuse me for being selfish and wanting to be with them for the holidays so we can try to be a normal family because holidays have always been important to my family. and this time of year I feel extremely lonely. and yes I miss Lucy but her absence is more present when the sisters don't visit.
November 29, 2018
I'm not sure how to start this one. I've recently been accused of being selfish and not thinking of my other children and not working through my grief. They don't know i'm going to counseling because I've been silent until now. So from now on, i will be putting my smile on, pretending all is well inside my head and not show outward signs of Grief. I've taken myself out of the fb groups for grieving parents and refuse to post anymore about my pain, save for today.
I will say this, until you have lost a child, destroyed the natural order of things, you just don't know the pain a parent goes through when they grieve. Its a pain i hope you never have to go through. It cuts so deep inside you think you have had a mixer turn on in full speed in a hurricane INSIDE your heart and your mind. It shatters all reality then puts it back together with dollar store duct tape so when the slightest breeze blows, it rips loose and shatters again. Just when you think all is going well and you can do this and you aren't missing them like it was yesterday, a song comes on. A tv show comes on. A memory pops up on fb, to remind you they aren't here to share it with you. You can't just pick yourself up and dust yourself off.
Your children are not supposed to go before you. you aren't supposed to have to bury your children, no matter their age. its like a cruel joke life hands you... here, have this adorable child to love with all your being, let them grow up, raise children of their own, nope you're done, and takes that adorable child back.
Your life becomes an amusement park ride you never ever wanted to get on and you cant get off. this is your new life. this is now how it will be. its that curve ball that life hit that went around the building,up a drain pipe, across the roof and into another country then hits you right in the forehead and knocks you flat on your back and takes the wind from your chest.
All the metaphors in the world cant truly describe what you are feeling and you become so frustrated you simply... cry.
then you get called selfish because they say you won't let it go. i let it go when she grew up and had a baby. i let it go when she graduated. i let her go when she moved out of the house onto her own. i let go. and i feel like a failure 110% of the time. Then to have your other children not understand that and say you don't spend enough time with them... well that's the icing on the cake and so here you sit. a total failure as a mother and they expect you to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and pretend all is right and well with the world. today is not that day. maybe tomorrow.Posted by Laura Adams.
Searching...November 10, 2018
I've been up searching for you all night. I searched Australia. I searched Greece, I searched California. I searched Kaidyn's school. I looked everywhere. You weren't there. You just were not there. Posted by Laura Adams.
November 1 2018
Another Halloween has come and gone. another holiday under my belt with out you. its not the same. seems like you were the glue that held us together. It was not me at all. or if it was I've lost my way. Kaidyn got her braces off yesterday. did you see that smile all the way in heaven? your son turns 9 next month. another birthday without mom. i cant stop crying. Kaidyn is so over protective of Bailey boo. you should see how good both kids are with her. you should be here. you should be making baby sounds at Mike and Steph's beautiful miracle. you should be fussin with kaidyn over who gets to hold the baby next. Thanksgiving is next and yet another holiday with out you. you wouldn't believe this crazy weather. it was 70 yesterday. i don't know why i write this. maybe it will make me feel better. i just don't know anymore. i miss you more and more every day. i'm supposed to be learning to cope with this... but how? how???Posted by Laura Adams.
Pretend...October 10, 2018
I've become the queen of playing pretend I pretend I'm okay I I pretend my heart doesn't break I pretend there's a big giant hole in my life and I pretend you're still here and pretend you're in Alabama and I pretend everything is okay but but it's not I'm not okay you're not in Alabama there's a huge hole in my heart and you really gone I miss you so much I miss you more everyday why can't you put the bottle down why why why why why did everything revolves around that stupid bottle I miss you so much.Posted by Laura Adams.
Another milestone...September 14, 2018
We'll, your sisters and I are getting matching tattoos. Something we always said we would do but never got the chance. We are getting lil baby elephants because an elephant never forgets and we never forget family. Natasha has been diagnosed with cancer and I feel like I will lose another child, something I can't handle. They say God never gives you more than you can handle. By that logic, I'm superwoman, wonder woman and iron Man well because I am. Posted by Laura Adams.
9/8/18 saturdaySeptember 8, 2018
Every passing day i see signs of you. you pop up on fb, someone will mention something that reminds me of you. I should be used to it by now shouldn't i? but i'm not. i miss you every single day. i think of you off and on all day. when i text the girls to say good morning i want to text you. i miss your snap chats and making you coffee. i miss the good times and the bad times. because they were times we spent together. the tears never seem to stop. they are always right at the edge of my eyes and the tugging is always there on my heart. the Goddess has not taken the pain i feel. i don't want her to. you were always a part of my life. you always will be. I sit at work and look at pictures and think, Lucy would like that as a tattoo. Your sisters and i are getting a tattoo of a baby elephant because an elephant never forgets and you never forget family. i wish you were here so you could get one too. dad misses you too. he taught you to ride a bike for crying out loud.
Lucy why did you go? i miss you horribly. your family misses you. your kids miss you. your friends miss you.
this is killing me. Posted by Laura Adams.
today is a good day...so farAugust 2, 2018
i looked at your pictures today and updated the site a bit. I will have more pix soon when i go through our storage unit. i laughed at the silly pix of you throwing your tantrum because Keileigh wouldn't eat your ice cream. there was no shame in you doing that. you were having fun. smiling and laughing. living. i miss you.Posted by Laura Adams.
signsJuly 17, 2018
Every day there are new signs you see and hear us yet i still feel empty. I miss you like no other. You were one of my closest friends. there just are no words. i love you and i miss you.Posted by Laura Adams.
days drag and yet fly by...July 9, 2018
i cant count how many times i've thought it was yesterday i spoke to you. i cant count how many times i've picked up the phone to text you or call you. i cant count the number of times i've woke up searching for you, crying because reality hits me in the face like a brick. i keep waiting for you to post your daily picture of how you look. i keep waiting for snapchat to light up with a good morning momma. you're gone. really gone. and i miss you more than anything. people say you have other kids and grandkids, you have to be strong and i try around them. but more times then not, i leave them and cry because i want to tell you how things went, family dinners, parties, new news. i simply cry. and i visit you as often as i can. yes i have some of your ashes at home. yes i have them in a couple of necklaces. but its not the same. i cant hug you, or smell you, or teas you about your hair. Goddess you would be furious with me knowing i have a lock of your hair.i can hear you chastizing me. "MOM thats MY HAIR!!"
i miss you. that is all. i miss you.Posted by Laura Adams.
I miss youJuly 3, 2018
A year and 5 months. I can barely breathe. I miss you. They say I shouldn't be so distraught. I should think of the kids and grandkids. It's like looking at your body parts and trying to decide which one you can do without. They are all important. Just because one is missing doesn't mean I care less about the others. There's a hole in our family. That goofy girl that lit up a room when she walked in. Babygirl, aunt Lucy, sissy. We all miss you. Posted by Laura Adams.