for some reason you hit me hard tonight. i feel heartbroken all over again. like it just happened. i couldnt breathe. it was like someone hit me in the stomach with a bowling ball. i was shaking, then the tears hit me like bricks burying me alive and i couldnt even pass out to get rid of it all for just a minute or two. i lived through it. i'm breathing again. missing you. as always. i just cant...
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I heard from someone today how her son made 5 years today heroin free. I'm happy for her and for him.
It brought tears to my eyes and a pain in my heart to hear it because why couldn't you kick the alcohol??? We loved you just as much as she loves her son. Its fair but not fair. My heart is shattering all over again. someone else was talking about how hard it must be after we had a young girl kill herself jumping off the bridge earlier this week and how she would never be able to keep going. Then she apologized to me because she realized i have survived. i'm still here. you are not. Fair...not fair. so many unanswered questions, so many hearts breaking. I really don't know how i will get through today. You can be standing in the living room vacuuming your floor. You could be washing dishes. You can be in the middle of a birthday party watching someone blow out candles. You can even be sitting at the stoplight in the middle of town. It doesn't matter what you are doing, the memories creep up on you and before you know it, you are a blubbering idiot because you miss that special someone that has passed.
I got in the shower earlier so my hair would have time to dry before getting ready for work and the tears hit me. I completely lost it. I balled like a baby for nearly half an hour (it actually felt like a decade). As i stepped out of the shower, I felt like time had stood still. there was silence in the apartment. nothing moved. Had time stopped? I find when i'm getting ready for work, picking out my clothes, as i always do, wondering would my kids approve. Today i heard her in my head saying "Hot Mama!" and I knew i looked presentable. I forgot my red lipstick and nearly had a panic attack on the way here, looking in my rearview to make sure no one was in my lane as i slowed for a turn. I saw my face and nearly slammed on the breaks. I tapped them as i grabbed composure of myself. I would survive without my red lipstick. I don't always wear it, but for some reason today i felt i should have. It always happens. No matter what. Life goes on. Whether you want to crawl into a hole or enjoy a night on the town, Life goes on... @ years since i physically last saw you. Physically laid my hands on you, playing with your hair, knowing how much you hated having your hair messed up. I kissed your forehead. I stood next to the coffin. We said our goodbyes. I watched people who love you as they came up, some unable to say the words "good bye". Your sisters were in hysterics. my dad just stood there, tears running down his face, all he could do was look at you. He couldn't touch you or say anything. I watched from in back of the room as the kids and Steph and Mike said their goodbyes. I saw my brothers, being rough and tough, break down in tears, trying so hard to hold it in. Dad held on to me. He refused to look. He couldn't. Lori couldn't even approach the coffin. She couldn't say goodbye. Your friends all came. No one could say anything. I had to be the one to brave it all, so I wrote a note to you, about you. It sounded like someone else standing there talking from inside of my head. I wanted to collapse. I wanted to crawl in the coffin with you. I wanted to shake you and wake you up. I didn't want to say goodbye. I didn't want this to be happening. I don't want to believe it even now, two years later. In the silence when i'm inside my own head, I wish i had gone with you. I think of you so damn often its not fair. you shouldn't have left us.
Then the anger hits. How dare you leave your kids like this. How dare you choose alcohol over your life. How dare you leave Lenny and go back to that piece of garbage that only kept you drunk. How dare he wave drinks in front of your face when you were trying to quit. How dare he be so fucking selfish to tell you he was going to kill himself if you weren't there with him. How dare you listen to him. How dare you leave your sisters behind. How dare you not go to the hospital. What were you thinking? Maybe they could have saved you. Maybe we could have said goodbye and accepted this was going on. Maybe just maybe we wouldn't all be so damn angry or hurt by your leaving. Maybe. How dare you. how. dare. you. Does this get any easier? no i don't think it does. I think after a little while your heart goes numb from the excruciating pain. You learn to mask it, to hide it, from others so they think you are ok, When in reality there is no more "ok" in your life.
You live every day wondering, did they know how much they were loved? did they feel pain? what was their very last thought? Did they cry out for you? Were they alone? Then the more difficult to answer questions: Did they see themselves leave their body? Are they still around? did they go to heaven? is there an afterlife? are they aware they are dead and you have to go on without them? do they see us as we mourn them? do they in fact watch their children grow? These are the thoughts that run through my mind constantly and people tell me i need to move forward. How can i just ACCEPT the way things are when there are so many unanswered questions? I put on my mask. I smile. I talk but don't hear and have to ask "i'm sorry, what did you say?" more often then not. I find those questions keep me awake at night. I try to keep my mind occupied. I try to find things to do, to fixate on. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it does not. Today marks 2 years since she left ys. Today, once again my heart is shattered to bits. i have tried to keep busy but when i got to work and heard the silence, once again my head and my heart got the best of me. im so thankful for my workmates. There was no way i would have made it through. not with the tears turned on to cascade mode. My dear daughter, you are very missed. i love you. unfortunately words are not my fortay tonight.
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AuthorJust a mom of 4 daughers and 8 grandbabies. Just a mom who's child died. Just a mom. no one special. Archives
March 2019
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